


O.M.G.I.M.Y

by somnia_bebe



Series: all messed up [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 21:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17691692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somnia_bebe/pseuds/somnia_bebe
Summary: I turned my head to catch your shadow, but there was nothing there for meoh my god I'm missing you





	O.M.G.I.M.Y

**Author's Note:**

> here's the promised epilogue for never alone! i hope you enjoy it, if you're finding this for the first time then please read part one first, otherwise it might not make much sense, thank you!

He should've known, he should have fucking known. Hyunwoo sat on the ground, arms resting on his knees. Staring at his now-dead boyfriend's body on the destroyed couch. It's funny, now that it was too late, Hyunwoo was finally calling the younger his boyfriend.

 

Finally standing up as the ambulance pulled up, he watched as the medics rushed in and placed Kihyun on the stretcher. Everything suddenly seemed like a bad dream that he couldn’t wake up from. Right place, right timing. Walking out behind the unconscious vocalist and medical team, the only thought on his mind was yelling at Kihyun to wake up. 

 

His mind began rewinding and replaying all of the events that took place over the past six months. If only they had listened instead of heard, this could have all been avoided. The doors to the ambulance slammed shut with a metal clang, leaving Hyunwoo alone on the street. Watching as they drove away, he stood there until he couldn’t see them anymore. 

 

Hanging his head, he made his way back inside, tears fueled by anger running down his cheeks. He was so, so, so fucking  _ stupid.  _ Closing the door, he slid down and sat on the floor, sobbing into his hands.

 

This. This is how Kihyun had truly lived, and Hoseok was the only one who knew. 

 

Once he ran out of tears, Hyunwoo began sorting through the trash. Empty lighters, various booze bottles, needles, zig zags, molded take out boxes. It was revolting. Picking up a crumpled piece of paper covered in stains and pencil markings, Hyunwoo tried his best to straighten it out before reading it.

  
  


_ I doubt anyone will read this, but if someone does, I wish I could say that I’m sorry. That I know I’m making some sort of mistake, or that I had so much to live for. But did I really ever? I guess now a days the only reason I have to live is because of my bandmates and my fans. You’d think that being a famous idol and “living the dream” would be reason enough to continue living and breathing, but it’s not.  _

 

_ My bandmates, they were everything to me after my family died in that crash- _

 

Taking a short break from the note, he tried to recall when Kihyun or his family had been in some sort of crash but nothing was coming to mind. Feeling his heart break once more at his lack of both love and friendship towards the younger, he knew they were the reason Kihyun didn’t say anything. 

 

_ But to them I was always just some sort of maid, a housekeeper. Someone to do their laundry, cook their food, and find their plushies when they went missing. It’s paralyzing being used and abused, my source of strength quickly became my source of despair. They were like my doomsday, covering me like ivy and blacking out the sun. Just when I thought I couldn’t get any lower, I somehow managed to turn my back and even fuck that up. Now I got heaven in my veins, but even heaven doesn’t numb the pain. _

 

After reading through a few more of the notes, Hyunwoo finally had an idea of what Kihyun had been feeling. He was walking hand in hand with death for such a long time, and he was clever about it. Always using metaphors and lying about how he truly felt, until it was too much and he began crying out. In every single one of the notes he spoke of how he woke with his feet on the ground and thoughts on the ceiling or how he was stuck in December all year round, constantly watching the snow fall.

 

Picking up one last note, Hyunwoo tried his best to read through what was either scratched out or completely burned off. Only the last paragraph remained untouched.

 

_ My happiness has been hanging by a thread but at least I finally feel content. I was so, so clever until I wasn’t. I’m breaking but the lie is what I sell afterall. My biggest question is will anyone miss me when I’m gone? Will anyone hurt? Will this really be a big mistake? I don’t know, and I know I never will. However there are two things I’m sure of: one - my passing only benefits my friends and two - the stars will be welcoming.  _

 

_ Signed: Yoo Kihyun, Monsta X main vocalist (form.) _

 

Setting the last note on top of the stack, Hyunwoo stood up with heavy feet and began cleaning the tiny excuse of a house. It may have been a shitty house, but it was probably more of a home for Kihyun than the dorm had ever offered him. Here he was free to be himself, or at least what was left of himself anyway.

 

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, he pulled it out and looked at the number. Despite it not being saved in his phone, he learned his lesson from Kihyun and answered anyway.

  
  
  


Cleaning the mess in complete silence, he came across one last note that was alcohol and tear-stained beyond recognition.

 

_ And Hyunwoo if you find these, I’m sorry I wasn’t a better boyfriend for you. You only deserve the world and I could never give you that. We’re all going to  d.i.e m.y d.a.r.l.i.n.g _

 

Even after everything, Kihyun was still the one apologizing. Sitting on the messy floor, he pressed the note to his face and began sobbing. He should have been the one who tried harder, he should have been the better boyfriend, the one Kihyun had truly deserved. 

 

⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈ ☾⋈

 

Staring at the headstone, Hyunwoo was at a loss of words. Nothing he said could bring back Kihyun. Turning and zoning out as he walked away he bumped into someone, tearing him out of his thoughts. Getting ready to snap on whoever he had hit, he felt lungs empty of all oxygen when he spotted Kihyun.

 

Running up to the younger male he grabbed him by the shoulder and forced Kihyun to turn around. The smile that returned to his face instantly fell.

 

“Get off of me!” The stranger yelled as he yanked his shoulder away. “Whoever you’re looking for, I sure as hell ain’t them.”

 

Watching as the stranger walked away, Hyunwoo fell to his knees with tears in his eyes. Hearing someone walk by singing to themselves in a familiar tone, Hyunwoo whipped his head up only to lock eyes with the real Kihyun. Before he could say anything, the younger disappeared into the heavy fog as Hyunwoo screamed out his name.

 

Finally processing what Kihyun had been singing, more tears fell to the ground. He screamed at his body to move, to follow the boy’s siren-like song. It didn’t matter how hard he tried, the only way he was going was down.

 

“We are all stars in the sky, we all shimmer then decay, so I wonder: did I burn out, make a mark, or fade away?”

 

After spending some time kneeling in the mud, Hyunwoo finally stood up and wiped at his eyes. There wasn’t a single doubt in his mind that his suit was ruined. This must have been what defeat felt like, or maybe it was the true feeling of loss? He couldn’t really tell. 

 

Sitting in his car listening to the staticky radio, he finally gained the courage to face the other members. Shifting into drive his mind began to compare Kihyun to the fog. Dark and mysterious but also oddly comforting, something he once loved was going to forever bring him pain.

 

Finally arriving at the bar, Hyunwoo sat on a stool as the other members began to surround him ordering more and more drinks. Now he understood why Kihyun turned to drugs and alcohol, in a way they erased the pain, actually, they just numbed the pain but hey it was something.

 

After the sixth shot (one for each of his members), he finally told the others about seeing Kihyun in the fog and hearing him sing like a siren, beckoning him to follow.

 

“Hyung there’s no way in hell you saw him, he’s dead.” Changkyun stated with a broken voice, almost like he had wanted to believe it.

 

“He’s right Hyunwoo, Kihyun shot himself through the fucking skull! Right in front of you no less!” Of course it had to be Hoseok to remind Hyunwoo of what he witnessed that day. Letting his head drop, deep down he knew they were right. 

 

“Please don’t start chasing ghosts hyung, you won’t gain anything from it, just pain.” He heard Minhyuk whisper as the younger held him gently before the rest of the members joined in.

 

After another breakdown, this time with his members, Hyunwoo began ordering drink after drink. With each drink another member left, leaving their leader to his own vices. Pulling out his phone, Hyunwoo opened the voicemail app.

 

Vision blurry and unfocused, Hyunwoo stared at his voicemail void of any messages. He was never going to hear the main vocalist’s voice again. Sure he had various vlives and reality shows as well as their music, but was any of what the younger said or did genuine? Or was it all faked? He didn’t know for sure, however, he did know he had rid the world of Kihyun’s last  genuine words.

 

With every comeback and win, Hyunwoo always found himself wondering how Kihyun would have fit into the situation. There wasn’t a time he wasn’t thinking about the younger and everything that had happened. Grabbing a notebook and pencil as he sat in his bed, he glanced at Kihyun’s old notes and began writing.

 

_ To Kihyun- _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Walking through the mud, Kihyun raised his umbrella and began to watch his own funeral in the down pouring rain. No one was crying, instead they all looked disappointed, if it was in themselves or in Kihyun, he wasn’t sure, nor did he care. 

 

He was surprised they even came. A heavy fog settled on the graveyard as the rain began to melt away the snow.

 

Listening to the church bells toll, he silently watched as the funeral people did their thing and the boys laid red roses on his grave. Silently laughing to himself due to the irony, his only accompaniment was the rain. Once the service had ended, he lowered the umbrella, hiding his face as he approached the headstone.

 

Bumping shoulders with someone, he continued walking not caring who it was. Finally approaching the head stone, he read what it said and silently laughed to himself once more.

 

_ Yoo Kihyun _

_ November 22, 1993 -  _ _ ∞ _

_ “Never alone, never apart, we found each other in the dark.” _

**Author's Note:**

> writing suicide notes is hard when they're not your own
> 
> if you wanna contact me, here's my social!  
> twitter: @bemyfriendmv (i post updates here!)  
> discord: GLITCHii#3798


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